Frito Pie, Y’all!

Would you believe that Frito pie is actually good for you? Well, it ain’t.

Frito Pie has been on my mind of late. The warm weather has me conjuring up thoughts of State Fairs and picnics and baseball games and other specifically American outdoor events that suggest foods eaten out of hand and foods that defy all conventional “healthy-eating” sensibilities. Frito Pie is one food that fits both criteria — it’s portable and well, disposable, and it’s virtually devoid of any redeeming nutritional value. However, it is super-yummy in all its gleefully white-trashy, grease-bomby way. I like it! It reminds me of my youth and my Southern ties, of hot weather and festival foods.

Now there’s a school of Frito Pie theory that suggests a baked casserole sort of construction, like some kind of bastardized Tex-Mex lasagna or ghetto-style enchiladas. Sure, you bake a bunch of Fritos (and no other corn chip is acceptable) with chili or ground beef with cheese and salsa and you know that’s going to be tasty treat. But to me that’s not really Frito Pie even if it kind of resembles a pie; to me Frito Pie is the so-called “walking taco” whereby you cut open a snack-sized bag of Fritos (the one and only) and you dump into it some hot chili (preferably beanless), some grated cheese, some sour cream and then maybe some other garnishes like jalapenos, hot sauce, chopped scallions, guacamole, etc. You scarf that down with a plastic fork (or spork, if you should be so lucky) and wash that down with an ice-cold PBR or Dixie (or Shiner Bock, if you should be so lucky) and that’s good eatin’, y’all!

For an afternoon snack today I made a totally delish Frito Pie. Because I had only a large bag of Fritos, I put it into a plastic deli cup and I ate it with a plastic fork. This presentation approximated the portability of eating out of a greasy plastic bag but was way neater. It went a little something like this….

• 1 cup of Fritos dumped into a 16-ounce plastic container
• 3/4 cup of basic meaty beanless chili put on top of that
• 1/2 cup of grated “Mexican-style” cheese (jack & cheddar) scattered over the hot chili
• 1/4 cup sour cream dumped into the container slightly off to the side
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh avocado, dumped into the container slightly off to the side
• 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro put on top
• 1 tablespoon chopped green onion, on top
• 1 teaspoon (or more!) hot sauce. I used Cholula, which is awesome.
• stick a plastic fork in it
• eat!

So, if you’re hankering for something that isn’t remotely healthy, try some Frito Pie. You can’t live on vegan kale salad alone, ya know!

But it sho is yummy!

I’ve included a basic chili recipe. This is simple chili not meant to be eaten as a main course but to go on top of hot dogs, burgers, and things like Frito Pie.

Basic Chili:

• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1 pound lean ground beef
• salt and pepper
• 1/2 cup chopped onion
• 1/2 cup chopped red or green bell pepper
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste
• 1 tablespoon flour
• 1 cup beer
• 1 can (14.5 ounces) diced tomatoes
• 1 cup beef broth
• 1 tablespoon chili powder
• 1 tablespoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano or marjoram
• 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne

To make the chili melt the butter with the oil in a 4-quart heavy-bottomed pot set over medium heat. Turn heat up to high and add the ground beef. Season beef with salt and pepper to taste and brown well. Add the onions and garlic and cook for a couple of minutes until softened. Add tomato paste and cook that, stirring around, until fragrant, about 15 seconds. Sprinkle the flour over the beef and onion mixture and stir well. Add beer and cook until the alcohol smell has dissipated. Add all remaining ingredients. Stir well to combine. Bring to a low boil and then reduce heat to low. Simmer for a minimum of 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. I like to cook it gently for at least an hour until everything breaks down nicely and the excess water has evaporated. Keep in mind that this chili is better the next day, so plan ahead if you can.

Stir-fried Pork and Asparagus with Garlic Black Bean Sauce

A quick and tasty stir-fry!

What with my wife Regina being of Chinese descent and me being half Vietnamese it’s hardly surprising that we cook a lot of Asian (and Asian-inspired) food at home. I whipped up this little stir-fry a few days ago. It was very quick, very easy to make, and absolutely delicious over a bowl of steamed rice with a dose of spicy sambal oeleck, that awesome chili paste of Indonesian origin popularized by Huy Fong Foods here in the U.S. With a little planning you can have this dish made in about 20 minutes (of actual work).

If you want to try this dish at home you’ll need (approximately):

• 3/4 pound of pork shoulder
• 2 tablespoons minced ginger, divided
• 2 tablespoons xao xing (Chinese cooking wine, although sherry is a fair substitute), divided
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 1 tablespoon corn starch
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1/2 teaspoon ground white pepper, plus more later
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more later
• 1 teaspoon soy sauce
• 5 medium-thick asparagus spears
• 6 fresh shiitake mushrooms (or dried mushrooms reconstituted in warm water)
• 3 tablespoons peanut oil, divided
• 2 tablespoons garlic black bean sauce (Lee Kum Kee brand, if possible)
• 2 tablespoons chicken broth
• 2 to 3 tablespoons chopped scallions

Now do this:

Cut the pork into rough cubes about 3/4 of inch on a side (don’t take this measurement too seriously). Put the pork into a non-reactive bowl and add 1 tablespoon of ginger, 1 tablespoon xao xing, minced garlic, corn starch, vegetable oil, white pepper, kosher salt, and soy sauce. Mix all the ingredients until the pork is very well coated in the marinade. Marinate the pork a minimum of 30 minutes; I get better results if I marinate it a couple of hours.

While the pork is marinating, prep your veggies. Snap off the woody ends of the asparagus and discard. Cut the asparagus at an angle into pieces oh, let’s say an inch-and-a-half in length. Stem the mushrooms and cut into quarters.

When you’re ready to cook, heat a wok (or a very large skillet) over high heat. When the wok just starts smoking swirl 2 tablespoons of the peanut oil into the bottom and add the pork. Stir-fry pork about three minutes until lightly browned all over. Remove cooked pork to a bowl and pour off (and discard) any excess oil. Wipe wok clean with paper towels and place over high heat again. When the wok starts smoking again add the remaining peanut oil. Add the asparagus and stir-fry about one minute. Add the mushrooms and stir-fry another 30 seconds. Add remaining ginger and stir it into the veggies. Add the cooked pork back into your wok. Get the wok super-hot again and add the remaining cooking wine. Stir-fry another 10 seconds and then add the black bean sauce and the chicken broth. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Stir in the chopped scallions and turn off the heat.

Remove the stir-fry from the wok and place into a serving bowl. Serve with steamed rice and maybe some slices of fresh cucumber. Top with hot sauce of your choice (sambal oeleck is my preference for this dish) and soy sauce.

Enjoy!

Tapas Partay!

A little blurry, but oh, what a spread!

Last week Regina and I had a couple of great friends over for an early dinner. Well, all dinners are early when you have an infant, but luckily our friends are obliging and understanding. Of course when I put out a spread like this of course they are obliging! Mitch supplied the wine and Stef made a excellent blueberry pie to finish the meal with.

Starting from the bottom left and travelling a meandering path up the table in a vaguely clockwise direction the dishes are as follows: garlic aioli with a touch of saffron, garlicky sautéed mushrooms, paprika-dusted fried chicken wings, roasted purple cauliflower with shallots and a hit of sherry vinegar, marcona almonds, pickled peppadew peppers (say that five times fast!), lightly sweetened olive oil crackers (in the wax paper), assorted olives, patatas bravas (crispy fried potatoes), grilled lamb riblets, grilled ribeye with roasted garlic, lobster with saffron sofrito, grilled bread for pan con tomate, membrillo (Spanish quince paste), assorted cheese platter including cabrales, idiazabal, some kind of hard Basque cheese that I’ve forgotten the name of, and some nice Spanish chorizo (not to be confused with the Mexican stuff), clams with garlic and white wine and diced chorizo, and finally at the bottom right a plate of hand-shaved slices of one of the world’s great cured meats — Jamon Iberico “pata negra” – a dry-cured ham made from these cute little black pigs that feast on acorns.

Eating like this — with a wide assortment of small plates with complementing and contrasting flavors and textures and colors — is so enjoyable and delicious and fun and communal that I wish we could feast like this every night! I’d be 300 pounds, but I’d be happy as a clam cooked with white wine and chorizo.

Ad-hoc Asian Salad

Today’s salad is a simple (yet miraculous) combination of leftover cold ramen noodles (the fresh kind, not the fry-dried variety), cold grilled skirt steak cut into thin strips, napa cabbage, iceberg lettuce, radishes, cucumbers, carrots, watercress, scallions, crispy garlic, crispy wontons, and a simple sesame-miso dressing (canola oil, shiro miso paste, sesame oil, rice vinegar, Chinese mustard, salt and pepper). It was yummy!

Not-So-Big Macs!

Homemade “Not-So-Big” Macs are a helluva lot better for you than the real deal! And way cuter!

Many people are surprised that I’ll admit to eating fast food every once in a while. Considering my choice of career and the unlimited budget that I have for purchasing the finest food that money can buy and people can eat, sometimes my friends are frankly astonished that I have the occasional craving for Taco Bell or similar trash foods. I suppose every once in a while I need a casual antidote to all the fancy stuff like caviar, foie gras, matsutake mushrooms, pork belly, and lobster tails. At least that’s my excuse, but really I just kinda like the stuff despite the realization that it’ll probably shave some time off my life and contribute to our degrading environment. But in truth I rarely indulge; I eat Taco Bell once a year and McDonald’s with a similar frequency.

But sometimes I really crave a tasty burger, and usually I don’t mean some kind of fancy-schmancy hand-ground meat patty artfully layered with chef-designed, umami-laden, manufactured-in-house condiments. No parmesan crisp or ketchup leather or shiitake bullshit or aged Vermont cheddar or sun-dried tomato or a goddamn brioche bun. I want a thin patty of good beef on a soft, yielding (read cheap) bun with honest-to-goodness Kraft American cheese. Sometimes all I want is a crappy fast-food burger, something gooey, chewy, beefy, sloppy.

However, I want it with killer beef, ideally grass-fed, so that I won’t be burdened with as much (however fleeting) guilt when I bite down into that burger and the hot beef grease courses over my tastebuds. And I want organic tomatoes and lettuce, quality onions, and a good pickle.

Anyway, a few days ago I was in one of my “trashy burger moods”. It hit me as I strolled the aisles at Trader Joe’s; inspiration struck as I spotted a bag of slider buns dotted with sesame seeds, something I’d never seen before. Barely two inches in diameter the little rolls screamed BIG MAC and that ubiquitous commercial ditty ran through my mind like the sexy come-on of a low-rent hooker trolling the unfashionable, less-hospitable end of Sunset Blvd: “two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun”. A shiver ran down my spine and I knew exactly what I was going to eat for dinner that night.

Inspiration came in a plastic bag.

Of course a few issues hampered the immediate execution of my “Not-So-Big Mac” or “Mini-Mac”. The Big Mac is constructed of a “triple-bun” with an additional round slab of bread starching up the middle of the burger. I had to create the extra bun slice by carefully trimming the the crust from the tops (or bottoms) of some of the slider buns. This was wasteful, to be sure, but authenticity demands a strenuous attention to detail and, quite possibly, some waste along the way.

Next is the so-called “special sauce” which is simply Russian dressing (1,000 Island being virtually identical). I used my own super-basic recipe of a half-cup of mayo, a quarter-cup of ketchup, two tablespoons of sweet pickle relish, and kosher salt and cracked peppercorn (to taste) all mixed up together. Also on the burger are sour pickle slices (look for dill hamburger chips), shredded iceberg lettuce, one slice of yellow American cheese, and some small pieces of sliced white onions. The sliced onions I soaked in cold water for about five minutes to get rid of the some of the acidity. I drained them well before putting them on the burger.

My Mini-Macs were magnificent!

The burger patties themselves I made very thin, less than a half-inch in thickness, and about three-and-a-half inches in diameter. Whenever you make burgers remember that they shrink significantly; how much shrinkage occurs is determined by fat content — more fat means more shrinkage, generally. So for a burger that fits a two-inch bun you need a burger that’s a little larger than three inches. I seasoned the burger patties with just a little salt and pepper right before cooking in a skillet (or on a flat-top griddle).

I heated my skillet over high heat until it was just smoking and swirled in a little vegetable oil. Very quickly I lightly browned the cut sides of all three parts of the bun — the top, the bottom, and the middle piece (which needs to browned on both sides). I kept the toasted buns warm on a small sheet pan in a low oven (about 200ºF) while I cooked the burgers.

I added more vegetable oil to the pan — just enough to coat the bottom evenly. I added the  burger patties; remember two patties per Mini-Mac! I cooked the burgers on one side about two minutes until very browned and a little crisp. I flipped the burgers and added a small slice of American cheese on top of half the burgers*; remember only one slice of cheese for each Mini-Mac! After one more minute of cooking I removed the burgers from the pan and took the warm buns out of the oven.

I assembled the Mini-Macs in the following order, assembling from top to bottom:

• the bottom of the bun
• a half-teaspoon of special sauce
• one pickle chip
• a few pieces of sliced onion
• a tiny clutch of lettuce
• a burger patty with cheese*
• the “middle bun”
• a few pieces of sliced onion
• another tiny clutch of lettuce
• a “cheeseless” burger patty
• another half-teaspoon of special sauce
• another pickle slice
• the top of the bun

After assembly my fam and I ate them immediately. Both wife and son were appropriately grateful and deemed the Mini-Macs excellent!

* Big Mac scientists for some reason place a slice of unmelted cheese on the burger “underneath” the bottom burger patty, probably to keep the hot cheese from wilting the lettuce too much. However, I prefer melting the cheese on the burger while it cooks (better cheese-gooiness). I’m on the fence about whether the cheese should face up or down when you assemble, although I’m leaning toward cheese-up. You decide.

Today’s Brekkie: Fried Egg, Fried Broken Rice, Peppered Bacon

Yummy!

This is admittedly not much of a post, but since I’ve hardly had a free moment to post in the past two months (!), I figured I’d better start getting some content out there. Work, travel, and children have seriously cut into my writing time, but I’m back! I promise more posts this week, and hopefully I’ll be able to get OMNIVOROUS back into a nice groove.

I had some leftover “broken” rice, which is fractured grains of Jasmine rice common to Vietnamese cuisine. I love the stuff for its flavor and its very specific mouthfeel. For breakfast today I fried the rice with garlic, ginger, and green onions. First I heated a couple of tablespoons of peanut oil in a very hot wok and threw in about a teaspoon each of minced ginger and minced garlic. I quickly added about a tablespoon of thinly cut scallions (white part) and stirred it around. I added about a cup and half of the cooked broken rice and tossed it all together with a bamboo spatula. I added a generous pinch of kosher salt, a half-teaspoon of granulated sugar, and nice pinch of ground white pepper. I wokked the rice until it was super-fragrant, totally warmed through, and a bit crispy in some areas. I killed the heat and stirred in about a tablespoon of the sliced scallion greens and a little minced cilantro. As a final touch I sprinkled the rice with some furikake, that Japanese seasoning shake that can contain all kinds of things from dried seaweed to sesame seeds to tiny bits of dried egg yolk to minced dried Japanese chili. This particular furikake had black sesame seeds, bits of nori, ground dried shiso leaf, and minced bonito flakes (katsuobushi for those in the know).

I piled a little rice on the plate and added a couple of slices of this excellent peppered bacon smoked with hickory (sorry I forgot to note the brand). I fried the egg in a combination of bacon fat and butter and laid it atop the rice. The liquid yolk immediately burst out and ran into the rice and flooded the plate. Totally YUM!

Grilled Short Ribs + Bacon Grit-Cake + Chinese Broccoli + 5-Spice BBQ Sauce + Creamed Corn Sauce

I was feeling the fusion when I thought up this dish!

I made this dish a few weeks ago and now I’ve finally gotten around to posting a picture of it. You’ll have to excuse me; what with work and the new(ish) baby and holidays and travel I’ve been hard-pressed to find time to post about anything! But I’m trying to rectify all that and hopefully I’ll be able to pump out a few decent posts in the next week or two.

Anyway, this dish represents a rare fusion-y dish for me. I was striving for an Asian-slash-Southern-US dish, with some Chinese broccoli subbing in for collards and a barbecue sauce spiked with sriracha and Chinese five-spice powder.

I won’t take the time to go into all the minute details, but I’ll give you the broad strokes. If you really need more detail send me a comment and I’ll give you what you need.

• First I braised some short ribs (on the bone) in homemade beef broth and xao xing (Chinese cooking wine) with some shallots and garlic and ginger in a heavy-bottomed pot with a tight-fitting lid. They took about three hours to cook at 300°F. I let the short ribs cool and then I removed them from the liquid and refrigerated them until they were cold.

• I then sliced nice slabs from the cold short ribs, removing any bone, connective tissue, and excess fat. I allowed the meat to come to room temperature before finishing the dish.

• While the short ribs were braising I made a basic red barbecue sauce (ketchup, mustard, vinegar, molasses, sugar, spices, etc.) and added a nice dose of sriracha for heat and a big tablespoon of Chinese five-spice powder.

• I then threw together a simple grit-cake by cooking white grits according to the package directions and when cooked, mixing in chopped cooked bacon, grated cheddar cheese, butter, chives, and some salt n pepper. I poured the cooked grits onto a small sheet pan lined with oiled parchment paper. I cooled the grits in the fridge until firm and then cut it into rectangular slabs.

• And then I made a sauce from some leftover creamed corn. I thinned out the creamed corn, cooked it until hot in a small saucepan, and then pureed it hot in a blender at high speed. While the creamed corn was blending I added a tablespoon of cold butter and a pinch of sugar. I poured the creamed corn through a coarse strainer and then set the sauce aside.

• Finally I blanched in salted boiling water a big handful of chopped gai lan Chinese broccoli. I cooled the par-cooked greens in an ice bath and then drained them.

To finish the dish I did the following.

• First I crisped the grit cake in a hot skillet until brown on one side. I flipped it and browned the other side.

• Next I sauteed the gai lan in some butter and kept it warm off the side.

• I heated a grill-pan and then lightly oiled the short rib slabs. I seasoned the short ribs with plenty of salt and pepper and then grilled them until I had nice grill-marks on both sides. I basted them with a little of the bbq sauce.

• I warmed the creamed corn sauce in a very small pot on the stove while I assembled the dish.

• I placed the gai lan in the center of a warmed plate. I topped the greens with a cooked bacon grit-cake. I placed two slabs of short ribs on top of that and then drizzled the warm creamed corn sauce around the plate. I dabbed more bbq sauce over the meat and then drizzled a few decorative swirls of bbq sauce on the plate. I topped the meat with a little chopped scallions as a garnish and then I ate the WHOLE THING!!

OMNIVOROUS VIDEO #3: Grilled Summer Salads

Thai Steak Salad!

Look, I know it’s true that summer is nearly over. My friend Liesl and I shot this video at the beginning of the summer and we’ve only just now been able to share with you two of our favorite grilled summer salads (editing, vacations, work, children, etc.).

Anyway, it’s pretty much always summer in Southern California. So if you’re local(ish) give these recipes a try. If you live elsewhere and you’ve already put the winter tarp over your grill you might have to live vicariously through us. Sorry.

But really, these dishes are great all year round. Both salads are healthy, light, and unfussy. Watching the video you’ll notice we grill inside, mostly for the ease of the video, but also because we wanted to demonstrate that with a decent grill-pan or griddle you can duplicate that outdoor feel with minimal exertion or muss, although having a decent exhaust fan and good ventilation is a big plus. Especially the way I grill — all flame and smoke and action.

I shot this video when Vivian was four weeks old, so I’m visibly tired. Sorry, folks, I did my best. You might notice that I have a habit of using the word “fantastic” a whole lot. But really, I only use it a few more times that I use the word “dynamite”.

I’ve posted the ingredients you need to make my Thai Steak Salad. Watch the video for instructions. Liesl should be posting a recipe on her own blog shortly.

Liesl and I (with our collaborators at The Other House) were striving for a light, conversational tone. Unlike my first two videos, this feels more like a cooking show. We wanted to explore our own on-screen chemistry and see if we could make it fun, light, informative, maybe a little silly. I think we succeeded. Drop me a comment and let me know your thoughts on this ongoing video project.

I urge you to check out Liesl’s blog Lieslicious; it’s accessible and informative with an engaging, easygoing style. She’s got some great recipes, great pics, and video links to her spots for KIN Community. I’ve got the link here, but I’ve added her site to my blog roll to your right.

http://www.lieslicious.com

Anyway, enjoy the video and share it with your friends! If you like it, LIKE it!

Liesl’s grilled veggie salad with Israeli couscous.

Steak Marinade Ingredients:

• juice of one medium-to-large lime
• 1 tablespoon chopped garlic
• 1 tablespoon finely minced lemongrass
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon dried red chili flakes
• 1/4 cup fish sauce (Thai or Vietnamese)
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil

Salad Dressing Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon minced fresh garlic
• 2 teaspoons sugar
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce (Thai or Vietnamese)

Salad Ingredients:

• iceberg lettuce
• watercress
• shaved fennel
• shaved red cabbage
• fresh mint leaf
• scallion greens
• crushed peanuts
• fried shallots

A Tale of Two BLATs

Awesome BLAT!

One of my great joys during summer is the proliferance of wonderful tomatoes. Especially exciting are the marvelous heirloom varieties available at the many farmer’s markets that pepper our fair city of angels. But although I love gorgeous varieties like green zebra, nectarine, moneymaker, pineapple, and brandywine the tomato I turn to most is the beefsteak. Large, ruddy, sweet, acidic, and truly mouthwatering, beefsteaks are the best choice for a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

BLAT aerial view.

In the past week I’ve made a couple of excellent BLT’s featuring some beautiful thick slabs of beefsteak tomatoes. In truth I’m never quite satisfied with the classic BLT; I almost always will add an “A”, making a BLT into a BLAT. Being a resident of Southern California, it’s a no-brainer that I’d add avocado to the sandwich. For the second sando I was out of avocado so I threw in a bit of arugula, which lends a lovely peppery and herbaceous note.

When I make a BLT or a BLAT I have a few basic rules. I always lightly toast the bread. I always add mayo, which I usually make from scratch. I always put the warm bacon between the lettuce and the tomato. I always use iceberg lettuce; it’s not only the classic choice, but its insipid flavor and watery crunch are the perfect foil for both the tomato slabs and the salty, smoky, and meaty bacon. Finally, I always use a excellent bacon. Two of my favorites are Applegate Sunday Bacon and Pederson’s Uncured Hickory-Smoked Bacon. Both are readily available and far superior to Oscar Meyer or Farmer John bacons. Sure, you can use whatever small-batch bacon you want (and I do on occasion), but whatever bacon you choose shouldn’t be so chewy that you can’t bite through it with ease.

Pederson’s Uncured Hickory-smoked Bacon.

When I cook bacon I always cook it in the oven. Much better than the pan-method, roasting bacon results in evenly-cooked strips and is far less messy. No grease-spatter and far less work; if you don’t cook your bacon in the oven you’re behind the times, dude.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Place your bacon strips on a sheet-pan lined with parchment paper, or better yet, lined with a rack. Roast the bacon until crisp, probably twenty minutes, although time varies depending on brand. In the meantime you can clean your lettuce, slice your tomatoes, and toast your bread. Assemble your sandwich while the bacon is hot.

BLAT #1 was composed of toasted buttermilk country white bread with a generous amount of mayo, beefsteak tomato, iceberg lettuce, and Applegate Sunday Bacon.

BLAT #2 was composed of toasted seven-grain bread with mayo and Irish butter, beefsteak tomato, iceberg lettuce, arugula, and Pederson’s bacon.

“A” is for arugula.

BLAT’s all Follks!

Beef Jerky Bonanza!

Glorious peppered beef jerky.

First I’d like to say right now that these pictures won’t wow you. It’s damn hard making beef jerky look like anything but what it is — a leathery piece of flattened, dried-out meat. Or, if you’re slightly more morbid (as I am), a freshly plucked scab. I can’t make jerky glisten or shine or catch the light in any particular way. I can’t get a shot of jerky sizzling, or billowing with aromatic steam, or gushing with flavorful juices. Face it, jerky is not sexy.

Jerky, however, is very tasty. I love the stuff, especially when I road-trip. Maybe it’s the feeling of exploration or adventure that compels me to eat dried meat, but whatever the compulsion is, it’s there and it’s real. Even if I drive three hours east to Palm Springs in an air-conditioned car on well-managed state roads, I get a palpable sense of pre-discovery, like I’m Vasco de Gama searching for trade routes, all the while gnawing on a piece of desiccated meat. A little dramatic perhaps, but I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I didn’t have an over-active imagination.

Jerky is sustenance food that goes back thousands of years, most likely when some hungry pack of man-like hominids slayed a wooly mammoth and realized they wouldn’t be able to fully devour the massive beast before decomposition set in. I can see our hairy ancestors scratching their louse-ridden beards until a (prehistoric) light bulb goes off in their minds. “Dry it!” they grunt and say, “Eat mammoth in winter!”. And so they would dry strips of meat in the hot sun or over a smoky fire. And thusly was jerky born.

Okay, okay, this is speculative fiction of the worst kind, but logical I think. Anyway, in the modern era we have refrigeration and we mostly don’t need to think of alternate preservation methods in order to survive a long, mammoth-meat-free winter. But today jerky survives intact, not a food of necessity, but as a delicious, low-fat snack.

We don’t need to sun-dry our mammoth, er…beef strips now. We can do this in the oven or in a thermostatic food dehydrator. You might find recipes for jerky that call for making it in an oven set at 200º F with the door slightly ajar, but I can’t countenance burning gas for eight hours and heating up the kitchen unnecessarily. I recommend you go out and buy a food dehydrator; you can pick up a simple, decent model at Target for around $65. It’s worth it as you can make jerky and a myriad of amazing dried fruits. I’ll be posting at least a couple of dried fruit recipes soon too.

I made a few batches of jerky recently and these two versions really turned out very good. The classic peppered jerky was quite yummy, but the spicy teriyaki jerky was truly out-of-this-world!

A couple of tips. Don’t over-marinate your meat. Overnight is good, but I wouldn’t go two nights as your jerky might end up too salty. Also, the quality of your jerky has a lot to do with the quality of your beef, so get fresh meat from a reputable source. Don’t use discount meat! As far as beef cuts go, I’ve tried round and flank steak, but I like sirloin tip the best for flavor and pliability when dried. Finally, make friends with the butcher at your favorite market. Have him slice the meat for you; it’ll save you lots of time. Unless, of course, you have an industrial meat slicer at home. I have lots of great kitchen tools, but I don’t have the space for a massive slicer, so I get my pal Siggy behind the meat counter at Gelson’s Market to do most of the work for me.

Trim away any connective tissue and fatty bits.

Siggy slices sirloin tip into quarter-inch-thick sheets. First I cut out any bits that might appear extra fatty or tough and then I cut strips approximately one-and-a-half inches wide. I use a meat mallet to thin it even more, as thin as 1/8 inch in some areas. I use the toothed side to help tenderize the meat more; also, the pocks the mallet creates help hold and absorb flavors during the marinating period.

In a separate bowl I mix the marinade. I dip each slice of pounded sirloin into the marinade, making sure to coat each side with marinade, and then pile them in another bowl. I then transfer all the coated meat to a heavy ziploc bag and put it all on a plate in the fridge. I give it overnight to marinate. I might turn the bag over a couple of times to more evenly distribute the liquid. Sometimes I forget.

Gently pound the meat with the pointy  surface of a meat mallet.

The next day I drain the beef and shake off any excess marinade. I spread out the pieces of beef on the dehydrator trays and then start up the machine, drying them at the highest setting (155-160ºF) for about five hours. It might be only four hours or it might take eight hours — all kinds of factors will affect drying (marinade, beef, the dehydrator, external temperature, etc). Your jerky should be dry but pliable — ya know, like jerky!

Check out these two recipes. Now buy a dehydrator. Come on, it’s cheap! Make jerky.

Spread out your meat!

Classic Peppered Beef Jerky

• 1 1/2 pounds of very thinly sliced sirloin tip, approximately 1/4-inch in thickness
• 2/3 cup soy sauce
• 3 tablespoons honey
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1 tablespoon kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon white pepper
• 1 teaspoon worcestershire sauce
• 1/2 teaspoon chili flakes
• 1/2 teaspoon five-spice powder
• 1/2 teaspoon liquid smoke

Whisk all ingredients together. Follow the instructions above and marinate overnight, up to twelve hours max.

I gave a few of my friends little wax bags of jerky.

Spicy Teriyaki Beef Jerky

• 1 1/2 pounds of very thinly sliced sirloin tip, approximately 1/4-inch in thickness
• 1 cup bottle teriyaki sauce of your choice
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 2 tablespoons char sui bbq sauce*
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1 tablespoon kosher salt
• 1 tablespoon sriracha (hot sauce)
• 1 tablespoon maple syrup
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 teaspooon
• 1/2 teaspoon white pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon liquid smoke

Whisk all ingredients together. Follow the instructions above and marinate overnight, up to twelve hours max.

*Chinese bbq sauce for pork. Substitute any other conventional bbq sauce. If smoky bbq, eliminate liquid smoke from the recipe.

You may not be able to tell from this picture, but this teriyaki jerky was insane!

I think you’ll be surprised how great homemade beef jerky can be. It far surpasses 98% of truck-stop or convenience-store jerkies. That shit is bunk. Make the real deal at home!

Batch #3 turned out the best!